Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
