if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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