You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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