I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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