you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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