Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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