he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
