There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
