never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
