i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
