What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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