Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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