This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
