I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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