There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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