he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
