you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize