Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
