Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
