Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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