"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
