well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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