Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
