to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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