the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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