You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
