i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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