Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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