Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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