So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
