last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
