What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
3 2 1 whiskey
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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