I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
