I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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