Banned from zoo.
Again?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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