Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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