You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We don't watch enough power rangers
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
