Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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