I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
