I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
