you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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