Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
