im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
