birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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