You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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