I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
