Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
