1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
