It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
