My hand turned me down
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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