If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
