ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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