whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
