i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I want a musical about memes.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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