when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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