Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
