I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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