I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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